Preparing for the August rush

see how i alluded to a movie in the title. dang. as punishment, i wrote out this whole post; poured out my heart and soul...then when i tried to post it, my internet had logged out and it got lost. It would be tragic if it wasn't funny.

So, we're basically done here (i think). We keep having our "last ____." Last time with Omar's group, last visit to la Uni, tomorrow is our last church service here...etc. We've packed a billion meetings and hangouts into these last few days (we have 3 left), but they're all enjoyable. We're trying to connect our contacts to the church still and the ones we don't, we'll see in January. Saying goodbyes and taking tourist photos; telling people to come to LT and saying we'll be back in January... all that stuff. I have a whole awesome album to put on the face book and a list of the things i've learned to write up. And we need to think about the almost-inevitable Missions Moment we'll be doing soon..

And so we shift gears to thinking about homegroup. We want to multiply this semester. We're set to do it with leadership and size and momentum and all that jazz... we just have to commit to it at Staff Retreat and cast vision for it this semester. Staff Retreat will happen promptly after we get back to Texas, then Anne's graduation, then it's back to work in CStat.. which will be interesting sans school. All that is in the future though; right now my focus is Staff Retreat.

It's all come full circle. My first Staff Retreat was on the beach, which i loved. I came into it scared senseless and it was the best week of my college life. This year i am putting equally high hope into the week. Last year we went to a camp somewhere and it was cool, but because of where i was at the time, it felt all business, no relationship. This year, which *appears to be* my last Staff Retreat, we're back at the beach, which i love. I'm going into it dry and burnt out after the worst year of my college life (year and a half, really)... and i'm putting a lot of expectation and hope into what i hope God will do.

See, in Mexico, i've been able to ignore all the things which were the worst in my life. *this is the whole honest, soul-pouring part* I've been away from all of the interpersonal mess i've made for myself and, even though i haven't fixed my God-problem, i haven't had people depending on "me" (in my mind), so it doesn't make as much difference.

"'God problem?'" Oh, yeah...the past year and a half i've been emotionally disconnected from God. Worship (which i love) feels empty and forced, prayer feels one-sided, quiet times are...well...quiet. And i just gave a teaching yesterday (Friday) on how, in leadership/discipleship (and life, really), mantaining your relationship with God is the most important thing you can do. I've been wrestling with this for a while and i have no answers.

At first i thought, "Aha! I have sin in my life that is keeping me from God and he's showing it to me!" So i promptly began confessing the sins i could find in my heart and life... it didn't change anything and then i remembered Job. "Aha! God is testing my motivations for seeking him!" So i began checking them... do i pursue God for how he makes me feel? No, it's not about my feelings; he's worthy of my love and praise regardless..becasue he's God... but nothing changed. Then i though, "Ah..it's my personality. I've never been very emotional, anyway..." but i used to feel things with God, the intimacy was beautiful and deep.. "Ah...maybe i turned off my emotions in some emo can't love, can't hurt thing.." But i just don't think that's the case. And if it was, god could break through any walls that i put up. But do i have to want him to do it?

"Aha! God is trying to get me to pursue him!" All my life i've been carried places by God (kicking and screaming usually). Maybe he wants me to pursue him. But how? prayer? scripture? fasting? ...with all of my heart. Here's where i get stuck. I'm don't feel desperate for God. I don't feel like a deer panting for water. I don't feel anything. that's the problem. It's a cycle and i can't break it. I understand that i'm completely dependent on God, i just don't feel it.. is that bad? i don't know. Maybe i need to be brought to a breaking point, where i just can't stand it anymore.

There's the problem though...This past year and a half has been bad. If God hadn't brought the Kroegers to my homegroup this year, it would have been a really bad year. I can't ead a newly multiplied homegroup if i'm not connected to God and a newly multiplied homegroup doesn't need a leader who falls apart. But if i have to be taken to the end of my rope, to where i'm humbled and fall apart, that's where it's heading. This past year and a half, i've been slowly but surely proved incompetent in all of the things i think i'm good at (driving, running, people skills, spanish, school, self-discipline, healthy living, kindness, etc). I've gained some 35 pounds and i've got a back injury that doesn't even let me sit comfortably half the time. I'm in a position where i could be broken, but i still feel (not to sounds prideful) like i have a lot of rope left before the end. I want God to break me at Staff Retreat, but i don't want it to be incomplete. I want him to dig deep into me and cut out all the crap in my heart because i don't want to be seperated from him like this again. I want this to end, but i don't want it to end before it's supposed to.

So...that's my complaining post, the next one will be funny.