"now's the right time for a good song; get something to say what i can't" (meta-explanatory referencing?)
what i feel:
"I've tried to stand my ground, i've tried to understand, but i can't seem to find my faith again...so please be my strength, because i don't have any more." "My soul cries out for you; these dry bones cry for you..to live and move, because only you can raise the dead; can lift my head up...surely our messiah will make all things new.." "How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you? You're all i want; all i need...you're everything" "I'm too proud to ask, too broke to eat, too weak to bow, too strong to bleed." "My soul yearns, even faints for the love of a father." "Arise, oh Lord, lift up your eyes, don't forget i'm helpless." "Two things you've told me: that you are strong and you love me.." "I'm too proud to ask, too broke to eat, too weak to bow, too strong to bleed." "My soul cries out for you; these dry bones cry for you." "Deep within me i pour out my soul." "How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?" "Can you sing over me, words of comfort? Can you satisfy me, sweet honey? Can you break though me, strong hands? Can you undo me...enough to heal me?" "God of heaven, come down."
"wait on the Lord, oh my soul... be strong and take heart; be strong, wait upon the Lord."
what i wait for:
"You will turn your ear to me, you will hear my cry for mercy, you will loosen things unseen...I'll sing for joy in your place of rest, i'll sleep in peace, resting on your chest.. and your voice will sound like a thousand waters; your song will rush for ten thousand centuries." "Life is breaking out, it's breaking out!" "You make beautiful things out of the dust, out of us." "You lead me to waters and pastures so green...you pour out your oil and choose goodness and mercy for me...No, i will not be in want... You are with me, i will not fear; you comfort me, i will not fear." "You take the weight from my shoulders; my hands were clenched, now they're open. I'll take your goodness, poured from the sky; food from the ravens, water from the dry well." "Could you tell me; how could it be any better than this?" "Love wins."
(jimmy eat world. gungor. lifehouse. enter the worship circle. jon foreman. dennis jernigan. robbie seay band. phil wickham.)
18 July, 2011
16 July, 2011
*Evangelism Workshop and Harry Potter
but not in that order...again
(With apologies to Harry Potter fans (actually, maybe skip this paragraph)) So, yesterday (thursday) i went with Edgar, Jennifer and Sophia and Sheryl to see Harry Potter. It was my first Harry Potter experience and i was a little disappointed. I know the basic storyline and stuff, the movie was well made and the acting was pretty well done, but i couldn't get over the fact that it was the *spoiler alert, skip this paragraph if you are going to be offended by that* lamest heroic death ever. He's freaking out because he finds out he has to die to kill the evil inside him, but he does the right thing after being told it won't hurt anyway, then he dies and then he wakes back up after deciding he doesn't want to stay dead. There really wasn't any sacrifice or heroism required... anyway, the whole thing about him being part evil or whatever ruins the potential Christ Type so we can't say Harry Potter reminds us of Jesus. And he is the one who defeats death and the Dark Lord so we can't say he's a Type for us either (wtg JKR). Ah well, i thought maybe if i liked the ending, i'd watch the others, but i'm really just not impressed. JK does a good job a making a world, but not a good job of making a story.
Anyway, tonight (friday) was our Evangelism Workshop. A bunch of people came. Like, a lot. I was as nervous as a cricket in a chicken coop, but it went really well. We said all our stuff and used the time we were supposed to and etc etc... God be praised! (this was said in a British accent a la Monty Python. i apologize). We focused on practical tips for evangelism rather than the why; because since we've been here, i've heard 4 teachings on why every Christian should share their faith (..easy answer: it's in the Bible), but none on how. So, we didn't teach the almighty Bridge Diagram, but almost everything i said was from the Outreach class (if you're in College Station this spring, i highly recommend it). We also talked about testimonies and conversations that glorify God (basically all the stuff i said 2 or 3 blog post thingies ago, with some extra). So, God was faithful and it went very well.
(With apologies to Harry Potter fans (actually, maybe skip this paragraph)) So, yesterday (thursday) i went with Edgar, Jennifer and Sophia and Sheryl to see Harry Potter. It was my first Harry Potter experience and i was a little disappointed. I know the basic storyline and stuff, the movie was well made and the acting was pretty well done, but i couldn't get over the fact that it was the *spoiler alert, skip this paragraph if you are going to be offended by that* lamest heroic death ever. He's freaking out because he finds out he has to die to kill the evil inside him, but he does the right thing after being told it won't hurt anyway, then he dies and then he wakes back up after deciding he doesn't want to stay dead. There really wasn't any sacrifice or heroism required... anyway, the whole thing about him being part evil or whatever ruins the potential Christ Type so we can't say Harry Potter reminds us of Jesus. And he is the one who defeats death and the Dark Lord so we can't say he's a Type for us either (wtg JKR). Ah well, i thought maybe if i liked the ending, i'd watch the others, but i'm really just not impressed. JK does a good job a making a world, but not a good job of making a story.
Anyway, tonight (friday) was our Evangelism Workshop. A bunch of people came. Like, a lot. I was as nervous as a cricket in a chicken coop, but it went really well. We said all our stuff and used the time we were supposed to and etc etc... God be praised! (this was said in a British accent a la Monty Python. i apologize). We focused on practical tips for evangelism rather than the why; because since we've been here, i've heard 4 teachings on why every Christian should share their faith (..easy answer: it's in the Bible), but none on how. So, we didn't teach the almighty Bridge Diagram, but almost everything i said was from the Outreach class (if you're in College Station this spring, i highly recommend it). We also talked about testimonies and conversations that glorify God (basically all the stuff i said 2 or 3 blog post thingies ago, with some extra). So, God was faithful and it went very well.
14 July, 2011
Loving people sucks
profound title.
Ok, first off, some definitions (let me know if you disagree with me here): to love someone is to want what is best for them, even at the expense of what is best for you (apart from the fact that loving people is what's best for you, let's skip the paradox). Love is... an action not a fuzzy feeling. Love is not wanting people to be happy (insert some analogy of a happy child playing in a street or something).
So, Sheryl and i are doing a talk on evangelism this Friday, then a talk on discipleship (i think) next Friday. (not the "why?"s; the "how?"s as we understand them from Fellowship). One of the parenthetical, preambulatory, prologue-type things we want to say is that it has to be done in Love; love for God and love for the people and that this Love has to come from God ("oh, that's why you're talking about loving people...").
Love is a fruit of the Spirit (i.e. it comes from God when we belong to him (although not without some pruning sometimes)). So, we have it. If we evangelize without love it becomes selfish; we try to convince the other person that I am right! (and you are wrong), we do it out of duty for our holiness points, we do it from guilt, from wanting a bigger group...sometimes we don't even know why we do it, we just do. It's hard to love people i don't know.
Sometimes it's harder to love people i do know. Sometimes it's harder to be patient and kind, humble, slow to anger and all that 1 Corinthians 13 stuff with people i'm close to because, well, i'm close to them. I see the flaws more clearly up close and they bother me more, they actually impact me; i'm in the splash zone and i get other people's mess all over me, which is frustrating because i'm having a hard enough time managing my own...
did you catch that? i figured it out after i had the thought. Two things in there are glaringly wrong. 1. I'm scared to get my hands dirty (i think it was Victoria Reynolds from whom i heard this first): Love is being willing to get my hands dirty; to get in the mess and work with people; to see their flaws and embrace them; to see them as God sees them. 2. I'm trying to manage my own mess. That, my friends, is such a mistaken attitude. I'll handle my life, you handle yours. Yes, we're responsible for our actions, but we can't handle that responsibility. What, after all, is this whole Christian thing about? We need God. We need each other. But this is America! Independence is our blood virtue! (that's for a country, not a person) For people (maybe for a nation too, but i don't do politics here), Independence is only one step in the process. Dependence is immature, but Independence is not full maturity. Interdependence is what we are made for.
Can you handle your life on your own? Do you need other people? My heart answers "Yes, i can handle it! I don't need anyone!" ...or is that my Pride talking? I feel like i'm pretty self-sufficient as far as people go: i'm a middle child and can skip on the whole attention thing; i'm introverted to the point of being anti-social sometimes; i'm low-key, low-maintenance and low-rider (but that doesn't apply); i'm not very emotional or relational. I constantly think that if i had fewer People, i'd have less drama. I feel like the Grinch sometimes, whose heart was just too small. So what did my life look like outside of community? I was depressed, i hated myself, i was directionless, i was green and lived on a mountain with my dog-minion, Max (that's not true (it was a cat)). See, the thing is; we were made to Love. The first not-good thing in all of the Bible is that Man was alone. We are made to love God and to love each other. The best way to do that is the gospel. ("Really, sharing the gospel?") Living the gospel. Sharing it with those who don't know it; living it with everyone. Give people Grace. Unite with the Body of Christ; we are Christ's ambassadors here, we are supposed to be like he was.
So, if i don't have God's heart for people (inside or outside the Church)? I ask for it (dangerous) and choose to love people regardless of what i feel about them. Sometimes God will give us heart-breaking glimpses of how he sees people and fill our hearts to overflowing with just a little drop from His. Other times God will grow our hearts slowly, but it's usually as we choose to love.
Ok, first off, some definitions (let me know if you disagree with me here): to love someone is to want what is best for them, even at the expense of what is best for you (apart from the fact that loving people is what's best for you, let's skip the paradox). Love is... an action not a fuzzy feeling. Love is not wanting people to be happy (insert some analogy of a happy child playing in a street or something).
So, Sheryl and i are doing a talk on evangelism this Friday, then a talk on discipleship (i think) next Friday. (not the "why?"s; the "how?"s as we understand them from Fellowship). One of the parenthetical, preambulatory, prologue-type things we want to say is that it has to be done in Love; love for God and love for the people and that this Love has to come from God ("oh, that's why you're talking about loving people...").
Love is a fruit of the Spirit (i.e. it comes from God when we belong to him (although not without some pruning sometimes)). So, we have it. If we evangelize without love it becomes selfish; we try to convince the other person that I am right! (and you are wrong), we do it out of duty for our holiness points, we do it from guilt, from wanting a bigger group...sometimes we don't even know why we do it, we just do. It's hard to love people i don't know.
Sometimes it's harder to love people i do know. Sometimes it's harder to be patient and kind, humble, slow to anger and all that 1 Corinthians 13 stuff with people i'm close to because, well, i'm close to them. I see the flaws more clearly up close and they bother me more, they actually impact me; i'm in the splash zone and i get other people's mess all over me, which is frustrating because i'm having a hard enough time managing my own...
did you catch that? i figured it out after i had the thought. Two things in there are glaringly wrong. 1. I'm scared to get my hands dirty (i think it was Victoria Reynolds from whom i heard this first): Love is being willing to get my hands dirty; to get in the mess and work with people; to see their flaws and embrace them; to see them as God sees them. 2. I'm trying to manage my own mess. That, my friends, is such a mistaken attitude. I'll handle my life, you handle yours. Yes, we're responsible for our actions, but we can't handle that responsibility. What, after all, is this whole Christian thing about? We need God. We need each other. But this is America! Independence is our blood virtue! (that's for a country, not a person) For people (maybe for a nation too, but i don't do politics here), Independence is only one step in the process. Dependence is immature, but Independence is not full maturity. Interdependence is what we are made for.
Can you handle your life on your own? Do you need other people? My heart answers "Yes, i can handle it! I don't need anyone!" ...or is that my Pride talking? I feel like i'm pretty self-sufficient as far as people go: i'm a middle child and can skip on the whole attention thing; i'm introverted to the point of being anti-social sometimes; i'm low-key, low-maintenance and low-rider (but that doesn't apply); i'm not very emotional or relational. I constantly think that if i had fewer People, i'd have less drama. I feel like the Grinch sometimes, whose heart was just too small. So what did my life look like outside of community? I was depressed, i hated myself, i was directionless, i was green and lived on a mountain with my dog-minion, Max (that's not true (it was a cat)). See, the thing is; we were made to Love. The first not-good thing in all of the Bible is that Man was alone. We are made to love God and to love each other. The best way to do that is the gospel. ("Really, sharing the gospel?") Living the gospel. Sharing it with those who don't know it; living it with everyone. Give people Grace. Unite with the Body of Christ; we are Christ's ambassadors here, we are supposed to be like he was.
So, if i don't have God's heart for people (inside or outside the Church)? I ask for it (dangerous) and choose to love people regardless of what i feel about them. Sometimes God will give us heart-breaking glimpses of how he sees people and fill our hearts to overflowing with just a little drop from His. Other times God will grow our hearts slowly, but it's usually as we choose to love.
13 July, 2011
**fairly non-specific update
We've been somewhat stranded of late... for a good reason, though.. Henry finally got hired, but that means he has better things to do than play chauffeur for Sheryl and me. So, i've been at home, walking around within certain safe boundaries and trying to feel useful.
Yesterdy, i got to go with Edgar and Jennifer and Sophia (as i found out today, it's PH, not F) to see the new houses that they and Omar are moving into in a couple of weeks... These houses take cookie-cutter to a new level; they're literally all identical, except for the color.. but they're really nice little houses. Omar and Edgar are going to be neighbors (i told them i'd move in on the other side) in a new neighborhood on the outskirts of Monterrey. I was joking with Edgar, but i actually wouldnt mind living in one of those casitas.. It was the first time that the thought of actually being in Monterrey for something resembling an extended period of time seemed plausible. It faded quickly, but it was a strange feeling. I'll come back to that.
Yesterday, Javier gave his first teaching in Homegroup. Javier is a great guy; cool story. Mark and Macie actually met him in 2010 at the Tec and he told them he was an atheist and wasn't interested in church... now he's (almost) a homegroup apprentice. He taught about evangelism and how we can show love to people by sharing the way to life with them. Part of the teaching was showing everyone in the group how to make an origami flower, so afterwards, everyone was playing with paper. Loyda made a fortune teller paper thingy and it told me i'm going to die in Mexico (fortunately, i don't believe in that).
For the past 4 years or so, i've had hanging over my head the obnoxious question of "what am i supposed to do with my life?" I've also been very carefully postponing thinking of an answer. I figured i'd have the whole summer before my senior year at LT to think about it.. then at LT i figured i'd have my whole senior year, then during that year, i figured i'd go to Mexico that summer and i'd know if missions was supposed to be part of it... now i have 3 weeks left in Mexico and i've found that i'm thinking i'll figure it out next year while i'm working in College Station... (and part of me wants to do a peace corps stint after that to have more time)
So my thoughts have been all over the place. I've thought about missions work, ministry, teaching, military, police, marketing and all sorts of other junk that didn't make it on this list. I know i want to glorify God with my life; that's the only thing that matters, but i know he can use me in any arena to do that. (i've also thought that if i died in Mexico like the devil-paper said, it'd solve a lot of my problems (that's a joke, calm down)). I was hoping that my time here would help me see more clearly whether the whole missions thing was really my passion. It really hasn't. I always figured if i went missions, i'd go somewhere like Guatemala or Monterrey, but this trip, while mind-blowingly amazing, hasn't answered that question. I wonder if this is God saying "just trust me and keep going" because i'm not ready to accept or understand what he has for me or if it's God saying "just make a choice and i'll bless you." He does both.. who knows
Yesterdy, i got to go with Edgar and Jennifer and Sophia (as i found out today, it's PH, not F) to see the new houses that they and Omar are moving into in a couple of weeks... These houses take cookie-cutter to a new level; they're literally all identical, except for the color.. but they're really nice little houses. Omar and Edgar are going to be neighbors (i told them i'd move in on the other side) in a new neighborhood on the outskirts of Monterrey. I was joking with Edgar, but i actually wouldnt mind living in one of those casitas.. It was the first time that the thought of actually being in Monterrey for something resembling an extended period of time seemed plausible. It faded quickly, but it was a strange feeling. I'll come back to that.
Yesterday, Javier gave his first teaching in Homegroup. Javier is a great guy; cool story. Mark and Macie actually met him in 2010 at the Tec and he told them he was an atheist and wasn't interested in church... now he's (almost) a homegroup apprentice. He taught about evangelism and how we can show love to people by sharing the way to life with them. Part of the teaching was showing everyone in the group how to make an origami flower, so afterwards, everyone was playing with paper. Loyda made a fortune teller paper thingy and it told me i'm going to die in Mexico (fortunately, i don't believe in that).
For the past 4 years or so, i've had hanging over my head the obnoxious question of "what am i supposed to do with my life?" I've also been very carefully postponing thinking of an answer. I figured i'd have the whole summer before my senior year at LT to think about it.. then at LT i figured i'd have my whole senior year, then during that year, i figured i'd go to Mexico that summer and i'd know if missions was supposed to be part of it... now i have 3 weeks left in Mexico and i've found that i'm thinking i'll figure it out next year while i'm working in College Station... (and part of me wants to do a peace corps stint after that to have more time)
So my thoughts have been all over the place. I've thought about missions work, ministry, teaching, military, police, marketing and all sorts of other junk that didn't make it on this list. I know i want to glorify God with my life; that's the only thing that matters, but i know he can use me in any arena to do that. (i've also thought that if i died in Mexico like the devil-paper said, it'd solve a lot of my problems (that's a joke, calm down)). I was hoping that my time here would help me see more clearly whether the whole missions thing was really my passion. It really hasn't. I always figured if i went missions, i'd go somewhere like Guatemala or Monterrey, but this trip, while mind-blowingly amazing, hasn't answered that question. I wonder if this is God saying "just trust me and keep going" because i'm not ready to accept or understand what he has for me or if it's God saying "just make a choice and i'll bless you." He does both.. who knows
11 July, 2011
Sunday and perceptions
Today (sort of) was Sunday. That means today was a good day.
Omar and i picked up Perla and went to church to join set-up. Omar is in charge of hospitality, so i always go early with him. He and Javier have trained me to do set-up for the lights, so... that's what i do. After we got everything set-up, the three of us went 5 blocks over to a "Mexico going green" party in the city or something. Everyone was on bike, skates or running and there was excellent live music. (we went because Perla has a friend in one of the bands). Afterwards, we picked up a different friend of Perla's (who she's been inviting for 4 months, and he finally came) and headed to church for the second service.
The service was great, Carolina came and Perla's friend (Alejandro) had a good time. We went out to eat (Alejandro and Carolina came), then Carolina, Sheryl, Javier and i went to his house to watch "The Prince of Egypt." We stopped to pick up Lulu on the way, but her parents didn't want her to hang out with us today. So, we watched the movie, watched Mexico win against Uruguay (it was a big, big deal), learned some Judo (from Carolina) and played a board game.
*tone change*
an obervation.
So, when Kyle asked me to lead a homegroup, he did it very strategically (which is good, because i wanted to say no). After i had been leading for a couple of weeks, he told me something i hadn't thought of: if you're in leadership, you become more attractive. There is an increased amount of attention on you, you're seen as mature and spiritual and all that, you give attention to everyone and you're always seen in an authoritative (therefore somewhat confident) role.
Before i came to Mexico, i was talking with some friends about my concerns and mentioned that i didn't want to send wrong messages to the girls here. The reaction i got was surprise, because it sounded so prideful ("i'm just worried everyone will get crushes on me, you know"). But, in reality, it was a genuine concern (though i'm sure there's pride in it, too). I didn't think of it too much, but being in missions has a similar effect for similar reasons, but more intensive.
A person going on a mission trip appears to be more spiritually mature. (true motivations are in the heart, check them, but) Ideally, someone on a mission trip has the goal of spreading the gospel and understands God's vision for all nations. They are sacrificing time and money (theirs or someone else's) to serve the Lord (again, disclaimer about motivations) and, when they're on mission, usually have a very intentional, Jesus-focused mindset. Not to mention the novelty factor; when someone shows up who looks, talks, dresses, etc differently than everyone you see everyday, it catches your attention (Especially accents. I knew a guy who had a ballin' accent, but was a really, really weird guy (no disrespect, i liked him a whole lot (most of the time)). When he first switched into my school, the girls went crazy over his accent, then backed waay off when they got to know him). A missionary can have the same experience, but then, when you get to know them they seem so "holy." So, it's dangerous.
Anyway, avoiding all details, that's something we're being cautious about right now.
Omar and i picked up Perla and went to church to join set-up. Omar is in charge of hospitality, so i always go early with him. He and Javier have trained me to do set-up for the lights, so... that's what i do. After we got everything set-up, the three of us went 5 blocks over to a "Mexico going green" party in the city or something. Everyone was on bike, skates or running and there was excellent live music. (we went because Perla has a friend in one of the bands). Afterwards, we picked up a different friend of Perla's (who she's been inviting for 4 months, and he finally came) and headed to church for the second service.
The service was great, Carolina came and Perla's friend (Alejandro) had a good time. We went out to eat (Alejandro and Carolina came), then Carolina, Sheryl, Javier and i went to his house to watch "The Prince of Egypt." We stopped to pick up Lulu on the way, but her parents didn't want her to hang out with us today. So, we watched the movie, watched Mexico win against Uruguay (it was a big, big deal), learned some Judo (from Carolina) and played a board game.
*tone change*
an obervation.
So, when Kyle asked me to lead a homegroup, he did it very strategically (which is good, because i wanted to say no). After i had been leading for a couple of weeks, he told me something i hadn't thought of: if you're in leadership, you become more attractive. There is an increased amount of attention on you, you're seen as mature and spiritual and all that, you give attention to everyone and you're always seen in an authoritative (therefore somewhat confident) role.
Before i came to Mexico, i was talking with some friends about my concerns and mentioned that i didn't want to send wrong messages to the girls here. The reaction i got was surprise, because it sounded so prideful ("i'm just worried everyone will get crushes on me, you know"). But, in reality, it was a genuine concern (though i'm sure there's pride in it, too). I didn't think of it too much, but being in missions has a similar effect for similar reasons, but more intensive.
A person going on a mission trip appears to be more spiritually mature. (true motivations are in the heart, check them, but) Ideally, someone on a mission trip has the goal of spreading the gospel and understands God's vision for all nations. They are sacrificing time and money (theirs or someone else's) to serve the Lord (again, disclaimer about motivations) and, when they're on mission, usually have a very intentional, Jesus-focused mindset. Not to mention the novelty factor; when someone shows up who looks, talks, dresses, etc differently than everyone you see everyday, it catches your attention (Especially accents. I knew a guy who had a ballin' accent, but was a really, really weird guy (no disrespect, i liked him a whole lot (most of the time)). When he first switched into my school, the girls went crazy over his accent, then backed waay off when they got to know him). A missionary can have the same experience, but then, when you get to know them they seem so "holy." So, it's dangerous.
Anyway, avoiding all details, that's something we're being cautious about right now.
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